Really though, i think the issue is something in me. I usually try to get away for holidays. Find some excuse to get out of town. Two years ago I spent christmas eve, christmas and new years with a whole bunch of strangers in biloxi, mississippi. I spent christmas day with a whole bunch of jews and an agnostic who I met that morning. it was a fabulous day. They taught me a traditional jewish gambling game and we cleaned up a huge mess that the storm the night before made. Had some amazing alligator gumbo. UUUHHHH. good day.
Maybe I feel more comfortable in my own pain and loneliness than when I'm with others who seem happy.
Maybe it feels to commercialized.
Maybe its because I feel I have to conform and keep up the meaningless traditions in order to make everyone happy.
I find a lot of joy when I give gifts to people that they enjoy, so you think I'd enjoy it more. Who knows.
If only I could get inside my own mind. If only I could understand myself. Understand my thoughts, what drives me, what moves me, what makes me who I am, what has made me who I am and how I act now as a result of those past experiences.