No Middle Ground

Due to my very religious conservative upbringing and conservative pursuits after I left the house I'm stuck in this position.

I have left many of my former pursuits and lost most of my former desires. Whether or not those desires and convictions were created by me as a result of my environment or were legitimate I'm not sure. The longer I wait and the farther I go from my old life the more I doubt the legitimacy of the former. My new roommate asked me a few days ago if I was a Christian and I didn't even know how to answer him. I have so many doubts and so many holes in my former logic. Couple that with all of the arrogance and ignorance that accompanied the former life, and I'm not sure about any of it anymore. I read a bumper sticker that said, "If heaven means spending eternity with Christians, I'll take the alternative." That's a whole 'nother story though, so back to the case at present. I once harbored convictions on physical intimacy before marriage that I now consider ridiculous. Things like waiting to the wedding day to kiss someone. Or there was the classic HA belief taught by Heath Stoner that if you crossed a physical line that you weren't supposed to, then the only option was to break up. Things like always being in a public place with a girl in order to never be alone with her and give into temptation.

So this position I'm stuck in... I just started seeing this girl and things got heavy really fast. In the few times I've seen her we've done everything but the thing itself. I feel guilt at times about how far I go physically and I'm not sure why. I ask myself if this is genuine or is a result of my former beliefs that hang on like a chad. I'm not sure which it stems from. I'm a still a virgin and it has been a fight to stay this way. I struggle with whether or not its worth holding out. It has been ingrained and pounded into my head for over a decade that sex is not to be had until marriage. Ingrained to the point that its still there while many other things from my past are gone. I do feel like its romantic to save it until marriage, and I think that someday I will probably come back to some of my former beliefs. I abstain because I feel like one day I will regret it.

But on the other hand I feel that the church has put sex in the gutter and on a pedestal. It is a disgusting, abhorrent thing... until marriage. I have friends who were virgins who rushed into marriage or are working hard to find someone and get married. So much of the drive these people have for marriage is a drive for sex. This doesn't seem right at all. Sex is on this pedestal, but in reality its just sex. Some of my friends who are married wish that they wouldn't have rushed in and often regret the marriage altogether. My friends who are sexually active tell me that its a good thing, but its not all that its cracked up by many to be. They are the ones who seem much more levelheaded and not driven by emotions.

So where do I fall on this issue and where do I go from here. There really is no middle ground, its either one or the other and crunch time is here.

Could he have been right?

When I get depressed and lonely I simultaneously get angry and easily frustrated.  I don't know how to express what I feel properly, but I have to let it out somehow, so I will just cuss at small inconveniences or randomly punch things.  There is also this deep belly roar that scratches at my throat to be released but I rarely let it out.  I don't think these things are good for me, but I think this is how a lot of guys deal with stuff.  I don't really cry, and when I do I feel like a pussy or like I'm forcing it out.  As a result it happens very rarely.  Maybe once every year or so.  The last time that I can remember was about this time 3 years ago.  It was the only time I can remember that a man made me cry.  A few months later I ran into him and told him I was dealing with depression and wouldn't be able to keep my leadership role in his organization.  He told me I needed a girlfriend.  

I coulda' smoked him right there, but today I wonder if he was right.  Would that help me right now?  Would I be happy with that, or at least happier?  All the meds that I used to take would only kill the highs and lows.  Yeah, you aren't in the pits, but you have no joy, no excitement, no real motivation.  Who knows...

I really wish my dad would have taught me how to shave.

I don't think of it that often anymore, but I used to.  In my mind its a certain rite of passage, an initiation into manhood.  Anyways...

Pretty sure I'm dealing with depression again.  I went rollerblading today and took a shower, but other than that, I've got nothing to show for the day and its 8:30pm.  I've got projects that I need to do and plenty of free time, but I can't even get myself to start on them.  I've got a lot of things goin' on right now that I'm not happy about, so I could just be reacting to those things, but I don't know.  It feels larger than that.  

I fill up all of my time and don't give myself a chance to think.  I'm a people person and an extrovert, but still there needs to be sometime to slow down and be at peace.  Its nights like tonight that make me want to call people until I find someone who is free, or else just start drinking and watch a movie, or crank the music and start dancing.    More to come.

Catchin' Feelings

"I'm a street nigga', hard body, but she got me catchin' feelings..." - DMX

Thats what I feel like right now.  I never let this stuff get to my head, but its there now. I've been seeing this girl off and on.  Much more off than on lately though.  She's got my head in a twist dizzy.   The signs she gives me are mainly from the "Let's just be friends" camp, but every once in awhile though she'll throw in a curve ball.  The problem is I'm really into her and those little signs that indicate she might like me completely supersede all the other obvious signs.  Things like going out with me and then having me drop her off at the movie theater at 9:30 at night to meet a guy there.  Things like not calling or texting for almost 2 weeks and blowing off our dance class.  Things like saying in the same conversation that she had dated a guy for 3 months and all they did was kiss and that 95 percent of her guy friends have a crush on her.  

I still feel like everything she says is true and I still buy the excuses. 

Are these feelings making me numb to logic?  Am I too trusting in general?  Does this somehow stem from my lack of confidence?  

She invited me over for dinner with a friend last night.  We didn't say a whole lot.  Joked around a little, watched TV, ate.  I was trying to read her the whole night, but I couldn't.  I know that I'm stupid when it comes to understanding women and seeing the signs, but seriously...  

My Grandpa

After the "Lonely Christmas" blog, I was thinking about why the holidays are always so hard for me.  Why I don't look forward to them at all.  I think a lot of it comes down to my grandpa and the resentment/remorse I still hold on to.  After my Grandma died, holidays have never been the same.  They don't feel the same.  Its like it has everything it did before save for the sincerity of the families matriarch.  She tried so hard to make everyone feel special and put so much thought into every gift purchased for all the kids.  A woman like that I'm sure rarely graces the planet and more importantly an individual's life.  Shoulda' treasured that more.

Now Grandpa got remarried and moves to Florida for 6 months of the year when all of his family is here in Minnesota.  With this change the daytrips to visit his kids and grandkids disappeared.  Gone also are birthday presents, and this year Christmas presents.  Well we did get presents, but it was more of an insult really.  He cleaned out the storeroom and split up whatever he found evenly.  I know I have it better than others but compared to what I've experienced my whole life, this is a far second.   It's obviously not about the presents, but they serve as an example of the change.  Its about the sincere desire to be there and the genuine love everyone felt at the gatherings that is not there anymore.

I just got a Christmas card from him in the mail.  Said he was loving the sun in Florida and they signed it "Grandpa and Grandma."  Don't get me wrong, she's a nice person and my grandpa is happy with her.  Being married to him doesn't make her my grandma though.  That is a role and a void that will never be filled again.  I feel like its disrespecting my grandmother to call herself by the same name.

Vulnerability

I've been in this place of vulnerability for the last week or so and its driving me crazy.  I can't stand it when i don't have control.  This is the sixth day my  car isn't working.  I've spent 3 days working on it, but still can't find out what's wrong with it.  I've had to catch a ride with a coworker 2 days this week.  My neighbor and roommate have been helping me but still no luck.  I've been pretty sick for over a week now, but I don't have insurance and the insurance free clinics have horrible hours so I can't get in.  

I don't know why, but I can barely stand this position I'm in.  I can't fix this situation and am forced to depend on others.  It feels so humiliating.  Like I'm less of a man almost.  I feel as though I'm on the edge and about to snap.  

Lonely Christmas

I'm feeling awfully restless.  Wish i would've worked today so that the day would go by faster.  Its Christmas Eve and it looks like I will be spending it by myself.  I think I'm gonna' get me some polish dinner at a local establishment I've never been to before.  kinda' lookin' forward to it.  The train was full otherwise I could have gone home.  I just found out I didn't have to work today otherwise i could've maybe bought it sooner.  I could drive but thats like 3 hours in the car today to see them for half a day then 3 hours back tomorrow.  I'm gonna' see em tomorrow anyways, so we'll just meet up after we do the extended family get together bull shit thing to open gifts and what not.  Don't really know if its right to call it bull shit but thats kinda' what it feels like.  Just seems like I only go to save face.  Same ol' questions, same ol' answers I told em' last time.  I feel like the majority of them may actually be sincere, at the moment.  I guess having people check in with you when they see you at a family function is better than nothin' at all, even if it feels contrived at times.

Really though, i think the issue is something in me.  I usually try to get away for holidays.  Find some excuse to get out of town.  Two years ago I spent christmas eve, christmas and new years with a whole bunch of strangers in biloxi, mississippi.  I spent christmas day with a whole bunch of jews and an agnostic who I met that morning.  it was a fabulous day.  They taught me a traditional jewish gambling game and we cleaned up a huge mess that the storm the night before made.  Had some amazing alligator gumbo. UUUHHHH. good day.  

Maybe I feel more comfortable in my own pain and loneliness than when I'm with others who seem happy.  

Maybe it feels to commercialized.  

Maybe its because I feel I have to conform and keep up the meaningless traditions in order to make everyone happy.  

I find a lot of joy when I give gifts to people that they enjoy, so you think I'd enjoy it more.  Who knows.

If only I could get inside my own mind.  If only I could understand myself.  Understand my thoughts, what drives me, what moves me, what makes me who I am, what has made me who I am and how I act now as a result of those past experiences.