Lonely Christmas

I'm feeling awfully restless.  Wish i would've worked today so that the day would go by faster.  Its Christmas Eve and it looks like I will be spending it by myself.  I think I'm gonna' get me some polish dinner at a local establishment I've never been to before.  kinda' lookin' forward to it.  The train was full otherwise I could have gone home.  I just found out I didn't have to work today otherwise i could've maybe bought it sooner.  I could drive but thats like 3 hours in the car today to see them for half a day then 3 hours back tomorrow.  I'm gonna' see em tomorrow anyways, so we'll just meet up after we do the extended family get together bull shit thing to open gifts and what not.  Don't really know if its right to call it bull shit but thats kinda' what it feels like.  Just seems like I only go to save face.  Same ol' questions, same ol' answers I told em' last time.  I feel like the majority of them may actually be sincere, at the moment.  I guess having people check in with you when they see you at a family function is better than nothin' at all, even if it feels contrived at times.

Really though, i think the issue is something in me.  I usually try to get away for holidays.  Find some excuse to get out of town.  Two years ago I spent christmas eve, christmas and new years with a whole bunch of strangers in biloxi, mississippi.  I spent christmas day with a whole bunch of jews and an agnostic who I met that morning.  it was a fabulous day.  They taught me a traditional jewish gambling game and we cleaned up a huge mess that the storm the night before made.  Had some amazing alligator gumbo. UUUHHHH. good day.  

Maybe I feel more comfortable in my own pain and loneliness than when I'm with others who seem happy.  

Maybe it feels to commercialized.  

Maybe its because I feel I have to conform and keep up the meaningless traditions in order to make everyone happy.  

I find a lot of joy when I give gifts to people that they enjoy, so you think I'd enjoy it more.  Who knows.

If only I could get inside my own mind.  If only I could understand myself.  Understand my thoughts, what drives me, what moves me, what makes me who I am, what has made me who I am and how I act now as a result of those past experiences.