Sunday, January 4, 2009

My Grandpa

After the "Lonely Christmas" blog, I was thinking about why the holidays are always so hard for me.  Why I don't look forward to them at all.  I think a lot of it comes down to my grandpa and the resentment/remorse I still hold on to.  After my Grandma died, holidays have never been the same.  They don't feel the same.  Its like it has everything it did before save for the sincerity of the families matriarch.  She tried so hard to make everyone feel special and put so much thought into every gift purchased for all the kids.  A woman like that I'm sure rarely graces the planet and more importantly an individual's life.  Shoulda' treasured that more.

Now Grandpa got remarried and moves to Florida for 6 months of the year when all of his family is here in Minnesota.  With this change the daytrips to visit his kids and grandkids disappeared.  Gone also are birthday presents, and this year Christmas presents.  Well we did get presents, but it was more of an insult really.  He cleaned out the storeroom and split up whatever he found evenly.  I know I have it better than others but compared to what I've experienced my whole life, this is a far second.   It's obviously not about the presents, but they serve as an example of the change.  Its about the sincere desire to be there and the genuine love everyone felt at the gatherings that is not there anymore.

I just got a Christmas card from him in the mail.  Said he was loving the sun in Florida and they signed it "Grandpa and Grandma."  Don't get me wrong, she's a nice person and my grandpa is happy with her.  Being married to him doesn't make her my grandma though.  That is a role and a void that will never be filled again.  I feel like its disrespecting my grandmother to call herself by the same name.


I've been in this place of vulnerability for the last week or so and its driving me crazy.  I can't stand it when i don't have control.  This is the sixth day my  car isn't working.  I've spent 3 days working on it, but still can't find out what's wrong with it.  I've had to catch a ride with a coworker 2 days this week.  My neighbor and roommate have been helping me but still no luck.  I've been pretty sick for over a week now, but I don't have insurance and the insurance free clinics have horrible hours so I can't get in.  

I don't know why, but I can barely stand this position I'm in.  I can't fix this situation and am forced to depend on others.  It feels so humiliating.  Like I'm less of a man almost.  I feel as though I'm on the edge and about to snap.