Friday, May 15, 2009

Could he have been right?

When I get depressed and lonely I simultaneously get angry and easily frustrated.  I don't know how to express what I feel properly, but I have to let it out somehow, so I will just cuss at small inconveniences or randomly punch things.  There is also this deep belly roar that scratches at my throat to be released but I rarely let it out.  I don't think these things are good for me, but I think this is how a lot of guys deal with stuff.  I don't really cry, and when I do I feel like a pussy or like I'm forcing it out.  As a result it happens very rarely.  Maybe once every year or so.  The last time that I can remember was about this time 3 years ago.  It was the only time I can remember that a man made me cry.  A few months later I ran into him and told him I was dealing with depression and wouldn't be able to keep my leadership role in his organization.  He told me I needed a girlfriend.  
I coulda' smoked him right there, but today I wonder if he was right.  Would that help me right now?  Would I be happy with that, or at least happier?  All the meds that I used to take would only kill the highs and lows.  Yeah, you aren't in the pits, but you have no joy, no excitement, no real motivation.  Who knows...

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