Sunday, September 6, 2009

No Middle Ground

Due to my very religious conservative upbringing and conservative pursuits after I left the house I'm stuck in this position.

I have left many of my former pursuits and lost most of my former desires. Whether or not those desires and convictions were created by me as a result of my environment or were legitimate I'm not sure. The longer I wait and the farther I go from my old life the more I doubt the legitimacy of the former. My new roommate asked me a few days ago if I was a Christian and I didn't even know how to answer him. I have so many doubts and so many holes in my former logic. Couple that with all of the arrogance and ignorance that accompanied the former life, and I'm not sure about any of it anymore. I read a bumper sticker that said, "If heaven means spending eternity with Christians, I'll take the alternative." That's a whole 'nother story though, so back to the case at present. I once harbored convictions on physical intimacy before marriage that I now consider ridiculous. Things like waiting to the wedding day to kiss someone. Or there was the classic HA belief taught by Heath Stoner that if you crossed a physical line that you weren't supposed to, then the only option was to break up. Things like always being in a public place with a girl in order to never be alone with her and give into temptation.

So this position I'm stuck in... I just started seeing this girl and things got heavy really fast. In the few times I've seen her we've done everything but the thing itself. I feel guilt at times about how far I go physically and I'm not sure why. I ask myself if this is genuine or is a result of my former beliefs that hang on like a chad. I'm not sure which it stems from. I'm a still a virgin and it has been a fight to stay this way. I struggle with whether or not its worth holding out. It has been ingrained and pounded into my head for over a decade that sex is not to be had until marriage. Ingrained to the point that its still there while many other things from my past are gone. I do feel like its romantic to save it until marriage, and I think that someday I will probably come back to some of my former beliefs. I abstain because I feel like one day I will regret it.

But on the other hand I feel that the church has put sex in the gutter and on a pedestal. It is a disgusting, abhorrent thing... until marriage. I have friends who were virgins who rushed into marriage or are working hard to find someone and get married. So much of the drive these people have for marriage is a drive for sex. This doesn't seem right at all. Sex is on this pedestal, but in reality its just sex. Some of my friends who are married wish that they wouldn't have rushed in and often regret the marriage altogether. My friends who are sexually active tell me that its a good thing, but its not all that its cracked up by many to be. They are the ones who seem much more levelheaded and not driven by emotions.

So where do I fall on this issue and where do I go from here. There really is no middle ground, its either one or the other and crunch time is here.


  1. That's a tough place to be...and I totally get it. Wish I had answers for you.

  2. I know that I was SO frustrated that single Christians have no outlet to be sexual. For me, I came to the realization that my sexuality is not wrong. It is a part of me. I am human, so I am sexual. I have had 4 relationships since I graduated from the honor academy, with different levels of sexual expression. Sex can be beautiful, but I also want any I engage in to be as an adult: consensual and safe. Sex does carry risks. It can be a spiritual experience as well. I hope this makes sense. My 2 cents, for what they're worth.

  3. I can relate to the feeling of having lost elements of belief that I once had and not being sure what to do in the current moment.

    A lot of what I thought would "work" as a Christian didn't really work at all. I had to ditch a lot of the "religious" stuff. I have been concerned at times that as I have thrown out some religious crud I may have also thrown out some good things. I am not always sure. I feel like I have been being rebuilt minus some of the crap.

    Having said all that, I would submit that sex within marriage is definitely worth waiting for, although there are battles there even within a marriage. There is no guarantee that everything will be easy with sex just because you are married now.

    One thing that might be worth a try would be to read the book of Song of Solomon. I couldn't guaranteed that it will help you in the formula sense, but it might.

    Only ditch the idea that it is about Christ and the Church and read it as a story of a romantic/erotic relationship between a man and his wife.

    My thoughts on the book: I do not think it was written by Solomon. I think it was written perhaps by a Levite or some other leader who was subtly rebuking Solomon for his man wives and touting the benefits and pleasures of marrying just one person.

    And there is an important repeated theme: "Do not waken love until it so desires."

    Basically: Romantic/Sexual/Erotic Love is awesome with the woman (or man) that you love and have married, it is as "strong as death" and should not be awakened "until it so desires" (when you are ready for the life long commitment of marriage and family).

    I was afraid to study the book at one point when I was still single (I am now married). I was concerned that it would stir up sexual desires when I had not good way to fulfill them. Much to my surprise the book actually inspired me and gave me a lot of internal incentive to continue to wait for my wife.

    She was and is worth the wait.

    If this encourages you - great. If it doesn't - feel free to print it off, make a paper airplane out of it and fly it into the nearest burning fireplace or bonfire.

    Blessings to you on your journey!

  4. By the way, I like your "alias" and the title of this blog. It speaks volumes.