I really wish my dad would have taught me how to shave.

I don't think of it that often anymore, but I used to.  In my mind its a certain rite of passage, an initiation into manhood.  Anyways...

Pretty sure I'm dealing with depression again.  I went rollerblading today and took a shower, but other than that, I've got nothing to show for the day and its 8:30pm.  I've got projects that I need to do and plenty of free time, but I can't even get myself to start on them.  I've got a lot of things goin' on right now that I'm not happy about, so I could just be reacting to those things, but I don't know.  It feels larger than that.  

I fill up all of my time and don't give myself a chance to think.  I'm a people person and an extrovert, but still there needs to be sometime to slow down and be at peace.  Its nights like tonight that make me want to call people until I find someone who is free, or else just start drinking and watch a movie, or crank the music and start dancing.    More to come.

Catchin' Feelings

"I'm a street nigga', hard body, but she got me catchin' feelings..." - DMX

Thats what I feel like right now.  I never let this stuff get to my head, but its there now. I've been seeing this girl off and on.  Much more off than on lately though.  She's got my head in a twist dizzy.   The signs she gives me are mainly from the "Let's just be friends" camp, but every once in awhile though she'll throw in a curve ball.  The problem is I'm really into her and those little signs that indicate she might like me completely supersede all the other obvious signs.  Things like going out with me and then having me drop her off at the movie theater at 9:30 at night to meet a guy there.  Things like not calling or texting for almost 2 weeks and blowing off our dance class.  Things like saying in the same conversation that she had dated a guy for 3 months and all they did was kiss and that 95 percent of her guy friends have a crush on her.  

I still feel like everything she says is true and I still buy the excuses. 

Are these feelings making me numb to logic?  Am I too trusting in general?  Does this somehow stem from my lack of confidence?  

She invited me over for dinner with a friend last night.  We didn't say a whole lot.  Joked around a little, watched TV, ate.  I was trying to read her the whole night, but I couldn't.  I know that I'm stupid when it comes to understanding women and seeing the signs, but seriously...  

My Grandpa

After the "Lonely Christmas" blog, I was thinking about why the holidays are always so hard for me.  Why I don't look forward to them at all.  I think a lot of it comes down to my grandpa and the resentment/remorse I still hold on to.  After my Grandma died, holidays have never been the same.  They don't feel the same.  Its like it has everything it did before save for the sincerity of the families matriarch.  She tried so hard to make everyone feel special and put so much thought into every gift purchased for all the kids.  A woman like that I'm sure rarely graces the planet and more importantly an individual's life.  Shoulda' treasured that more.

Now Grandpa got remarried and moves to Florida for 6 months of the year when all of his family is here in Minnesota.  With this change the daytrips to visit his kids and grandkids disappeared.  Gone also are birthday presents, and this year Christmas presents.  Well we did get presents, but it was more of an insult really.  He cleaned out the storeroom and split up whatever he found evenly.  I know I have it better than others but compared to what I've experienced my whole life, this is a far second.   It's obviously not about the presents, but they serve as an example of the change.  Its about the sincere desire to be there and the genuine love everyone felt at the gatherings that is not there anymore.

I just got a Christmas card from him in the mail.  Said he was loving the sun in Florida and they signed it "Grandpa and Grandma."  Don't get me wrong, she's a nice person and my grandpa is happy with her.  Being married to him doesn't make her my grandma though.  That is a role and a void that will never be filled again.  I feel like its disrespecting my grandmother to call herself by the same name.

Vulnerability

I've been in this place of vulnerability for the last week or so and its driving me crazy.  I can't stand it when i don't have control.  This is the sixth day my  car isn't working.  I've spent 3 days working on it, but still can't find out what's wrong with it.  I've had to catch a ride with a coworker 2 days this week.  My neighbor and roommate have been helping me but still no luck.  I've been pretty sick for over a week now, but I don't have insurance and the insurance free clinics have horrible hours so I can't get in.  

I don't know why, but I can barely stand this position I'm in.  I can't fix this situation and am forced to depend on others.  It feels so humiliating.  Like I'm less of a man almost.  I feel as though I'm on the edge and about to snap.  

Lonely Christmas

I'm feeling awfully restless.  Wish i would've worked today so that the day would go by faster.  Its Christmas Eve and it looks like I will be spending it by myself.  I think I'm gonna' get me some polish dinner at a local establishment I've never been to before.  kinda' lookin' forward to it.  The train was full otherwise I could have gone home.  I just found out I didn't have to work today otherwise i could've maybe bought it sooner.  I could drive but thats like 3 hours in the car today to see them for half a day then 3 hours back tomorrow.  I'm gonna' see em tomorrow anyways, so we'll just meet up after we do the extended family get together bull shit thing to open gifts and what not.  Don't really know if its right to call it bull shit but thats kinda' what it feels like.  Just seems like I only go to save face.  Same ol' questions, same ol' answers I told em' last time.  I feel like the majority of them may actually be sincere, at the moment.  I guess having people check in with you when they see you at a family function is better than nothin' at all, even if it feels contrived at times.

Really though, i think the issue is something in me.  I usually try to get away for holidays.  Find some excuse to get out of town.  Two years ago I spent christmas eve, christmas and new years with a whole bunch of strangers in biloxi, mississippi.  I spent christmas day with a whole bunch of jews and an agnostic who I met that morning.  it was a fabulous day.  They taught me a traditional jewish gambling game and we cleaned up a huge mess that the storm the night before made.  Had some amazing alligator gumbo. UUUHHHH. good day.  

Maybe I feel more comfortable in my own pain and loneliness than when I'm with others who seem happy.  

Maybe it feels to commercialized.  

Maybe its because I feel I have to conform and keep up the meaningless traditions in order to make everyone happy.  

I find a lot of joy when I give gifts to people that they enjoy, so you think I'd enjoy it more.  Who knows.

If only I could get inside my own mind.  If only I could understand myself.  Understand my thoughts, what drives me, what moves me, what makes me who I am, what has made me who I am and how I act now as a result of those past experiences.

Going Out, The Economy

I went out with the neighbors downtown Minneapolis.  It was fun but drinks were so expensive and I totally got hustled at the bar by a bachelorette party.  I love music and I love to dance and I love to drink.  There's just something about it.  So i was doing my thing, feeling the alcohol and moving to the music.  I always find a little open spot and just dance by myself it seems like. Don't know why.  I just love when the music feels like its surging through your every vein and all you can do is just move.  Dancing is surreal in these moments.  Everything else doesn't even matter.  Its just you and the music.

I was so hot so I went outside to cool off and they were playing some good stuff outside.  then all of a sudden Jackson 5 came on and I could barely contain myself.  I was dancing all over on the sidewalk.  People were walking by and looking at me.  Cops were walking by and i still kept going.  Then someone walks up to me, points to the window in the bar behind me and says, "everybody in there loves your dancing.  Keep going."  I turn around to look and there's like 10 people looking out the window at me.  They're laughing, clapping and taking pictures.  

I feel like dancing is almost spiritual.  Its like enlightenment.  I rarely feel more alive then when I'm moving to music.  Why don't people feel free to dance?  People talk to me and they say its awesome, but yet they won't join.  Why?  Especially guys.  I don't get it.  Fear? Afraid to embarrass themselves?  who knows.

 I've spent about 100 dollars on booze since Saturday... and its Friday morning.  I don't think thats right.  Especially since I don't make that much and work is cutting me back to 32 hours a week, aka 16 hours less on every paycheck.    Oh well, it is what it is.  When they told me they're gonna' have to cut back i was surprisingly cool with it.  Actually a little excited inside.  Hopefully it will help me appreciate my job more.  I've only been there 6 months, which is actually a long time for me at a job.  I think about quitting all the time.  This whole 40 hours a week thing isn't really for me.  Maybe I'll change someday.  I just want something that I love that moves me.  A place where I can help people, where I feel free, where I desire to go, where I can make a difference in the world.  A place where I don't look at the clock or countdown to the weekend.    I know, I know.  Keep dreamin' son,  keep dreamin'.

I got paid to pick out a christmas tree yesterday and set it up and what not at work.  I didn't know how to distinguish the different types of trees or that you're supposed to cut the bottom inch off. Every time i do stuff like this, or other basic construction tasks, something inside me hurts while my boss and coworkers explain the way to perform each task.  I crave for my father to teach me these things and it feels like there's a wound or there's something missing internally.  

He used to do all kinds of stuff like that with me when I was younger, but then it just kinda faded away as his depression hit him harder.  He's but a wraith, a shadow of the man he once was.  

Seems I'm turning into the same.